Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize