I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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