Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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