Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize