He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
