We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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