Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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