If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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