Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
