Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
