"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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