No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
