My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
