I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
