Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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