When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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