i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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