I got chris browned last night
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
