On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
