I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
