I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
nutella sex= disaster
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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