You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
