If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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