My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
