If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
