Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
