listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Randomize
