I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
