Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
