I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
