Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
