i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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