you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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