I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
last night I used snow as a chaser
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