I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
