meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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