i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I die, sorry about rent.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
