you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
