She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
