I'm laying in your front yard are you home
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
