My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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