Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
