you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
