Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
