Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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