Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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