thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
