I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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