i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We need a shit load of segways right now
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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