did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
