just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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