i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
