FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
