Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize