May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
