Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
