The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
