Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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