u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
