found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize