I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
