think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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