I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
